if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
