Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Couch. On fire.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
