I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
