You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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