i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
