Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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