The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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