all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
