id be glad to
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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