There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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