I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
