what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
