I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
