Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
