Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
