so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
