I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
