i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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