If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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