I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i now understand why vodka
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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