I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
