hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
