Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
