So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Found the puke drawer
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
