So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
