Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
