I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
