Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
