I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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