dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
