my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
