do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh god it's open bar.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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