All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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