dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
