Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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