Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
