the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
