my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
