Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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