I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
