We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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