her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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