If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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