I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
