Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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