i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Send help, water and tortillas.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
