Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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