Cold hands, warm shart.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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