I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
