I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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