im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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